You Are Not A Pirate
by whoeverfightsmonsters
Summary: William T. Spears is sick of the antics of the rest of the cast - so what better way to address it than a rules list? (inspired by Please Stop Eating The Hell Butterflies and Acnologia Is Not Your Father.) Rated T for language. Title may change.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone! This is my first published fanfic on this site, and I've wanted to do one of these for a while now. If I get anything wrong (i.e., a character's name, personality, relationship, etc,) don't be afraid to leave a review or a pm and let me know! Enjoy!**

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**Viscount Druitt: **As far as we know, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is nonexistent. _It will stay that way. _Easter is a _Christian_ religious holiday. It is not an excuse to celebrate any and all made-up deities you possibly can, whether said deities have cults/churches based around them or not.

**Hannah: **Purposely stepping on spiders in front of Claude and then staring at him menacingly is uncalled for, immature, and extremely rude. He says you are making him uncomfortable.

**Grell Sutcliffe: **However you've chosen to interpret Sebastian's responses is completely inaccurate. He does not want a hug, he does not have any interest in you whatsoever, and anything anyone told you to the contrary is a lie. Dressing up as a cat will not change this, no matter how much he loves them. He knows it's you, and is not fooled even slightly.

**Alois Trancy: **We understand you've had a very troubling past, not much human contact, and possibly sociopathy. This does not mean gouging someone's eye out is appropriate, nor is said troubling past an excuse for any and all injuries you inflict. Your issues should be resolved in a way that doesn't end with the death and/or maiming of _anyone_.

**Baldroy:** You'd think you would have learned your lesson the first time. Using the flamethrower to cook only ends in disaster. If you must use it on something, use it for target practice _outside_.

**Sebastian Michaelis: **Ciel is allergic to cats. _Everyone_ knows this. When he 'mysteriously' comes down with a sneezing fit, the cause is obvious. Stop sneaking cats into the manor. We all know it's you. Also, should Grell dress as a cat and cling to your leg, please find a less destructive way to remove him. That's the eighth time this week, and you've terrified half the town. They will start suing eventually, and I promise you, you do not want to deal with that.

**Elizabeth Midford: **While it's understandable that you weren't pleased upon finding out your fiance had made a contract with a demon, seeking out said demon and demanding he release Ciel from his contract before you "send him back to Hell the hard way" was inadvisable.

**Ronald Knox: **'Trying to be more badass' is not an excuse to steal Grell Sutcliffe's Death Scythe and attempt to combine it with your own. He will find out eventually, and no one wants to know what will happen then.

**Undertaker: **No matter how funny it seems to you, waiting for guests to finish half of their drink before looking at them in terror, and then glancing at the nearest coffin is highly inappropriate and immature. Pretending that the tea you have given your guests was a "customer's" bodily fluid is scarring people, and this behavior not permitted to continue.

**Ciel Phantomhive: **Telling Grell that Sebastian is a tsundere and actually has a crush on him was a terrible way to get revenge for the cats.

**Mey-Rin: **Yes, the Viscount is a creep and a pervert. However, we do actually want to prevent the deaths of any more nobles. If he or any man makes inappropriate remarks about you, you are not to attempt to shoot him. - No, especially not there. Just punch him like anyone else.

**Finnian: **I don't know how or where you found that, but you are to return it to said location immediately. A hellhound is one thing. A demonic _giant squid_ is quite another. I don't care that you've already named it. - "Tentacles" is an extremely uncreative name for a squid.

**Claude Faustus: **You cannot "call dibs" on a human (especially not one that's already contracted), and you cannot throw a hissy fit when said human takes issue with your attempt to do so. One Ciel Phantomhive has expressed a desire for his house to remain standing for more than three days at a time.

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**I have most of chapter 2 written already, so I hope to post it soon. If anyone has a question, leave it in the comments and I will address it in an author's note. Please keep in mind that I am extremely busy aside from this, so updates will be irregular. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2! Again, please inform me of any mistakes, and please enjoy!**

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**Alois Trancy:** Just because Phantomhive has a hellhound does not mean that you need one as well. Cease all search attempts immediately.

**Grell Sutcliffe:** Stop stalking Michaelis. He has better things to do than evade you all day, and you have so much paperwork to do that it is piled at least a meter high on your desk.

**Ciel Phantomhive:** You are an earl. You are not a pirate, no matter what Mey-Rin tells you. The eye patch does not automatically give you the right to your own pirate ship, and you will stop demanding one. - You can _not_ make me walk the plank. I'd like to see you try.

**Elizabeth Midford: **The Phantomhive Staff had the situation under control. He may have been a demon, but there was one of him. You are only to join a fight as a last resort. The amount of destruction you caused was not in any way necessary in such a situation.

**Hannah:** When I said to stop, I was referring to any and all attempts to intimidate and/or threaten Claude. I did not suggest you should start leaving dead spiders that are missing their legs outside his bedroom door. You are to cut it out immediately. - I don't care whether or not you think you are "getting the message across".

**Sebastian Michaelis:** You work for him, you clean up his messes. It's not our fault you didn't know what you were getting yourself into.

**Finnian:** A giant squid is _nothing_ like a dog. - No, not even a guard dog. You should not put a leash and collar on it, you should not attempt to walk it, and for the love of God, you should not be setting it on intruders!

**Claude Faustus: **We have warned you once. Stay away from the Phantomhive household. You will not be warned again, though we would hope you learned your lesson when you tried to take Elizabeth Midford in a fight. Even a drugged penguin could have told you how _that_ would end.

**Mey-Rin:** Stop encouraging Ciel's delusions. We don't need him acting any more insane than he already does.

**Ronald Knox: **If you are going to be telling _anyone_ how exactly you plan to use that lawnmower on Sebastian, it will be the one doing your psychological evaluation.

**Undertaker:** The organs should either be inside the body, or in jars. They should _not_ be _hanging from the ceiling_. Take them down _immediately_.

**Viscount Druitt:** Baldroy was _lying through his teeth_. Even if he did see that Winged Spaghetti Thing, it is _not_ proof that he is a high ranking priest in the Church of the whatever that thing is. It is proof that he is _delusional_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, I'm back with another chapter. Enjoy!**

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**Alois Trancy:** Not being allowed to have a real hellhound does not mean you should order Claude Faustus to dress in a dog costume because "a demon dressed as a dog technically counts as a hellhound". It does not.

**Ciel Phantomhive: **Never again are you to attempt the theft of a ship of the Royal British Navy. Just because I refuse to encourage your delusions of grandeur does not mean that you should "take matters into your own hands".

**Sebastian Michaelis: **The Fourth of July is an American holiday. Therefore, it is _not_ celebrated in England. You should not have to be told this. - "It was only an excuse to set off fireworks" is not a legitimate reason for _anything_. - You've traumatized Phantomhive with those, you know.

**Claude Faustus: **We can't help you. You should have run the second his eyes lit up like that.

**Undertaker: **No, those are _not_ Halloween decorations. It's nowhere near Halloween, and even if it _was_ Halloween, you would still not be permitted to hang those _anywhere_. I will not tell you again. Take the organs down.

**Ronald Knox: **I know what you are doing. I know who put you up to it. Return each Death Scythe that you took, _immediately_, and with _all_ of their parts. If, somehow, they have already made their way into the hands of certain unnamed individuals, you are wholly responsible for their safe return and will not be recieving aid in retrieving them.

**Grell Sutcliffe:** If you keep insisting on being addressed as 'Jack the Ripper', I can and _will_ demote you. That was a while ago, anyways. I thought you'd gotten over that?

**Hannah: **Your version of 'The Itsy-Bitsy Spider' is crude and disgusting. You _will_ cease singing it immediately.

**Finnian:** I don't care if Tentacles is 'lonely'. One demon squid is bad enough. Another is out of the question.

**Mey-Rin: **You knew full well what would happen if you tried to launch those with a gun. You and Sebastian both, quit setting off fireworks.

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**As always, if I make a mistake, please drop me a pm letting me know, and if you have any constructive criticism, don't be shy - I want to be able to improve!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yay, a longer chapter! Thank you to my reviewers - it's nice to know I'm getting people in character. I haven't watched Black Butler in a while, so I remember only bits and pieces. I appreciate that you take the time to read this!**

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**Alois Trancy: **Keep your demon away from the Phantomhive manor. If he ever does anything like this ever again, you will be cleaning up your own messes. - Yes, literally and figuratively.

**Ciel Phantomhive: **We understand that you are sick of trying to remove demons from your home (barring Michaelis). That said, you are no longer allowed to take what you deem the 'appropriate measures' to get rid of them. - Forcing them to sit though a playdate with Elizabeth Midford, including dressing them up, is not an 'appropriate measure'.

**Grell Sutcliffe: **No coffee. Ever again. - This is nonnegotiable. - Attempting to pour it over my head will not help your case.

**Sebastian Michaelis: **Just because you are both demonic creatures doesn't mean you can understand the squid. Stop trying to convince Finnian that the squid wants him to adopt 17 cats because 'it's lonely'.

**Baldroy: **The fact that you were not on the list for a while means that you were acting with some semblance of sanity. It does _not_ mean that you should immediately try to 'rectify it' by stealing from Sebastian Michaelis's fireworks stash and attempting to set them off with your blowtorch, _i__nside the manor!_

**Ronald Knox: **Stop trying to make your Death Scythe sentient. It isn't going to work, and we don't want to think about what would happen if it did.

**Undertaker: **'Bonding time' with others should not end with them missing any of their organs. - No, this does _not_ mean that connective tissues are fair game! You are deliberately missing the point!

**Claude Faustus:** If you do not remove yourself from the Phantomhive grounds immediately, we will send both Grell Sutcliffe and Elizabeth Midford after you. I feel it is my duty to tell you that Sutcliffe is currently on a large amount of caffeine, and we all know what Elizabeth Midford can do to you.

**Elizabeth Midford: **I don't know how you managed it, but Claude Faustus has dug a hole in the Phantomhive garden and refuses to come out of it. Since you were responsible for this situation in the first place, you are also responsible for fixing it.

**Mey-Rin:** Sebastian did not mean to break your glasses, and has already apologized to you. Beating him around the head with the broken frames was very rude and immature.

**Finnian: **Despite the fact that they are both demonic creatures, a hellhound and a demon squid are not able to mate with each other and/or produce viable offspring. Please, for the sake of all our sanity, _do not encourage them to._

**Viscount Druitt: **You and Baldroy, stop encouraging each other. I will tell you what I told him: not being on the list is _a good thing_. Do not attempt to 'rectify it'.

**Hannah: **It's nice to see that you are getting into the Halloween spirit, but it would be nicer if Halloween were not still two months away. Please remove the large rubber tarantulas that are hanging from nooses from the manor.

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**Update 11/7/19 - I caught a timeline error and updated thusly. Apologies.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I hoped to post this chapter in time for Halloween, but since Inktober artwork was taking up a lot of my time, I had to wait a bit. Sorry.**

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**Alois Trancy:** One day, Faustus is going to snap, and you'll have only yourself to blame. - And maybe Hannah.

**Hannah: **One day, Faustus is going to snap, and you'll have only yourself to blame. - And maybe Trancy. - You are expressly forbidden from dressing as 'the exterminator' for Halloween.

**Ciel Phantomhive: **A pirate costume is perfectly fine _for Halloween._ Keep in mind that as soon as it's over, the costume comes off. - You're still not getting a ship to accompany it.

**Elizabeth Midford:** Congrats on getting Sebastian to take you and Ciel trick-or-treating. Your princess costume is very realistic.

**Grell Sutcliffe: **I don't care how 'pretty' you think it looks. Your costume must, at the _least,_ be _covering more skin than it is showing_. You may keep the cat ears on if you wish, however.

**Sebastian Michaelis:** Be a cat if you wish. Just remember, that's what Sutcliffe will be going as too. - Yes, he fully intends it to be a couple costume.

**Mey-Rin:** It's not a maid _costume_ if that's what you normally wear. That's extremely unimaginative.

**Finnian: **I hesitate to grant you this request, but fine, you may dress as a squid for Halloween. - You are allowed to wear a squid costume, _not_ an actual _squid_.

**Viscount Druitt: **Dying your hair red and dressing in a (rather provocative) cat costume, while not outright forbidden, is highly discouraged. - Yes, I'm fairly sure I know _exactly_ what you're intending to do, and all I have to say is that _you_ will be paying for all damages that result.

**Undertaker: **Yes, you may dress as whatever you like, so long as you do not incorporate any _actual human body parts_ into your costume. Don't think anyone has forgotten what happened last year. - Animal body parts are also forbidden. You're not nearly as clever as you think.

**Claude Faustus: **Unfortunately, Trancy does, in fact, possess the authority to make you wear that. Sorry.

**Ronald Knox: **I will say it again, because apparently it needs saying: You are allowed to dress _as_ a Death Scythe. You are not allowed to dress _in_ a Death Scythe.

**Baldroy: **'The Fireworks Man' is not a legitimate Halloween costume. Dispose of those immediately.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, sorry this is so late. I'm trying to update at least once a month, since I post such short chapters anyways. But it's about quality, not quantity, so I hope you enjoy.**

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**Sebastian Michaelis:** I don't care how innocent it sounds. You will not be giving 'cutlery lessons' to Ronald Knox.

**Elizabeth Midford: **You are Lord Phantomhive's fiance, not his guard dog. That is Sebastian's job, and he does it just fine.

**Ciel Phantomhive: **Pirate or not, you'll only be called Bluebeard should you actually possess a beard.

**Ronald Knox:** I don't care how innocent it sounds. You will not be taking 'cutlery lessons' from Sebastian Michaelis. - Not if you want to keep your job, you won't.

**Grell Sutcliffe: **You are not any more entitled to becoming a pirate than Phantomhive. If anything, you are less. Remove the eyepatch, _now_. - We all know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work.

**Undertaker:** As you are no longer a Grim Reaper, you are required to return your Death Scythe. - No one believes that the rubber bow and arrows are your Death Scythe. We are not as incompetent as you seem to think we are.

**Claude Faustus:** Elizabeth Midford is fully human (as far as we know). You are a _demon_. This is _pathetic._ \- We're not completely sure what she did to you, or how she managed it, but you'd better hope you're able to vacate the Phantomhive grounds before we figure it out. - If you do not, what we will do to you will be ten times worse, we assure you.

**Alois Trancy: **Please, _please_ control your demon. This is getting ridiculous.

**Hannah:** Claude Faustus would like it known that should he die, he will _not_ curl up in a manner similar to a dead arachnid, and requests that you stop asking.

**Mey-Rin: **Please stop taking cues from Hannah. Sebastian said he was sorry already, and even bought you a new pair of glasses. Any further issues you may have with him should be solved in a mature and calm manner. - Leaving dead, plucked birds underneath his bed is not a mature and calm manner.

**Finnian:** The next time someone asks you for a favor, consider what they are asking and the possible results. - If what they are asking for includes the squid, and possible results might include the squid ending up on the roof of the manor, you should not grant said favor. Now please remove the squid from the roof.

**Baldroy: **You and the Viscount both, quit it with the priest outfits. No one believes the two of you, and we do not "have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Cthulu".

**Viscount Druitt: **You and Baldroy both, quit it with the priest outfits. No one believes the two of you, and we do not "have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Cthulu".

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**For anyone who's curious, Ronald and Sebastian's entries aren't supposed to be dirty or anything. It's another instance of Ronald messing around with his Death Scythe. I just thought,"Sebastian's hella quick wielding those knives. What would happen if Ronald tried that?" and an idea was born. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello all! Sorry this is so late, I've had a ridiculous amount of things to do recently, and to be honest, I completely forgot about this. Apologies.**

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**To anyone in possession of incendiaries:** Dispose of them, immediately. I don't care how much 'holiday spirit' you have. This is nonnegotiable. _You have all been warned._

**Claude Faustus: **Thank you for returning to the Trancy Manor. No, we will not be paying you to remain there. - What do you mean, "not in money"?

**Alois Trancy: **Now that you have your demon back, you are responsible for keeping him on a tight leash so this never happens again. If he demands sweets in return for staying, do not feel obligated to oblige. The last thing we need is a demon on a sugar rush.

**Ciel Phantomhive:** No one will be giving you a ship for Christmas, no matter how many times you ask, threaten, or blackmail. - I don't know how you intended to blackmail _Grell_ of all people, but he's probably the least concerned about his reputation. I doubt there's anything you could possibly know about him that anyone else doesn't.

**Elizabeth Midford:** No, the Christmas colors are not red and green "to symbolize the suffering of all those poor trees". I don't know who told you that, but it's completely ridiculous.

**Sebastian Michaelis: **I warned you about the fireworks. The world is _not_ your Christmas light, nor will it be.

**Baldroy: **There are plenty of _already existing_ winter holidays you can celebrate. "Cthulumas" is not one of them.

**Mey-Rin: **Stop taking cues from Hannah. Get away from Michaelis with those Christmas lights.

**Finnian: **No, Cthulu did _not_ "save you from all your sins". Baldroy and the Viscount are already bad enough. Stop encouraging them.

**Grell Sutcliffe: **No one wants to hear your version of "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Please, for the sake of all of our sanity, stop singing it. There are _children_ around.

**Undertaker:** Entrails are not good replacements for Christmas lights. I don't care that Hannah took yours. She will be returning them. Take the entrails down.

**Viscount Druitt:** There are plenty of _already existing_ winter holidays you can celebrate. "Cthulumas" is not one of them.

**Hannah:** We appreciate the attempt to "help", but Faustus has already agreed to remain at Trancy Manor for the foreseeable future. Please untie him and return the Christmas lights to their original owner.

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**Can you tell I've not actually gotten very far through watching Black Butler?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Yes, it's been quite a while... whoops****... uh, enjoy?**

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**Baldroy: **You and the Viscount may not collectively refer to yourselves as "Double Trouble". While no one would argue that it's inaccurate, the bodysuits are more than a bit much.

**Viscount Druitt: **You and Baldroy may not collectively refer to yourselves as "Double Trouble". While no one would argue that it's inaccurate, the bodysuits are more than a bit much. - Please change your hair back to its original color. I don't know _why_ you would want to emulate _Grell Sutcliffe_ of all people, and I don't _want_ to know.

**Hannah: **It is a tradition to _kiss_ someone at midnight. That was much more than a kiss. Please detach yourself from the Undertaker. - While you acted quite convincingly, you were not drunk. Demons cannot become intoxicated through manmade substances. Nice try.

**Alois Trancy:** If someone's resolution is to throw you off of the roof at the stroke of midnight, maybe you should be asking yourself how you might have provoked them. I suggest avoiding Phantomhive for the rest of the night.

**Claude Faustus: **No one is going to find you even remotely intimidating if you can't handle yourself against a human girl. Deal with it.

**Sebastian Michaelis: **I might be more inclined to believe you had you not already shown tendencies towards pyromania and/or arson in the past. I don't care _what_ the occasion is. _No fireworks_.

**Ciel Phantomhive: **Michaelis has been exceedingly twitchy lately and jumps whenever he sees someone with red hair. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I know you and Mey-Rin are behind this in some way. I will warn you once. Cut it out.

**Mey-Rin: **Michaelis has been exceedingly twitchy lately and jumps whenever he sees someone with red hair. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I know you and Earl Phantomhive are behind this in some way. I will warn you once. Cut it out.

**Finnian:** Nothing in the punch was of such . . . questionable origin. Stop telling people blatantly untrue things. Many will believe you. - Also, stay away from the Undertaker. I recognize his sense of humor, and nothing good can come of the both of you encouraging each other.

**Undertaker:** "Spiking" a drink usually consists of adding copious amounts of alcohol to said beverage. I am almost certain that you already know this. Quit dumping large, sharp pieces of metal into the punch bowl when no one's looking.

**Ronald Knox:** When Claude asked for some punch, you knew exactly what he meant. Saying "Coming right up!" and promptly decking him in the stomach was unamusing and uncalled for. - Yes, you will be paying for the damage to your shoes. Stop trying to pass it off as a "work-related incident".

**Elizabeth Midford: **I don't know what your objective is here, but stop trying to convince Alois that you must be his sister simply because you are both blonde. Hair color aside, the two of you are almost nothing alike.

**Grell Sutcliffe:** If you read that New Year's resolution out loud, I promise you that I will make sure you do not live long enough to see the new year. Try me at your own peril.


End file.
